My Blood Is My Love For You
by ThroughTheRazor
Summary: "I lifted off my shirt, tearing up again as I saw each and every cut I made. I done this because, I loved him." Painful Jargan! Some Cargan, and James&Jo. Warnings: Cutting, Cursing, Talk about suicide, & sex in later chapters R&R


_***Sigh* I do not own Big TIme Rush :"( /3 But anyway here's the first chapter of my story :D **_

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><p>I sighed, and rolled over in my bed. I woke up again for the third time that night. The only thing on my mind was James. James Fucking Diamond. But the reason he was on my mind was because I was absolutely in love with him, but... He doesn't love me. Why would he?<p>

I'm just an ugly, tone-death, nerd. He's the perfect superstar. I would never compare. Besides he's straight. How do I know? Because he's dating Jo. Jo. I hate her. She has him, and it's not fair. I'm the one who loves him. By this point all the thoughts in my mind, caused me to start crying again. My roommate stirred.

I looked over at the sleeping Latino and gave a weak smile. Carlos always cheered me up. I got up and walked over to the bed, I kissed his cheek. I watched as his face flushed pink, causing me to smile.

"Night..." I said, walking into the bathroom.

I lifted off my shirt, tearing up again as I saw each and every cut I made. I done this because, I loved him. I grabbed the razor blade again, placing its cold tip on my wrist. I shivered thoughts of James pouring into my mind. I slowly dragged the blade across my wrist, watching the little red drops appear. I let them drip into the sink, hearing a knock at the door.

"F-fuck." I mumbled, and wrapped my still bleeding arm in gauges.

I pulled my sleeves down, hid the blade, and rinsed the sink out opening the door. Carlos stood there, just in his boxers. "L-logie?" He said, rubbing his eyes.

"Yea, buddy?" I replied, slightly blushing from his almost nude state.

"I g-gotta p-piss." He mumbled pushing past me, and going to the toilet.

"O-okay." I stammered, blushing as I left.

I looked at the empty beds. I wanted to sleep in mine, but I needed someone to cuddle to. I slowly crept into Carlos's bed hoping he wouldn't mind. I slightly jumped, as I heard the bathroom door open. Carlos yawned as he walked over, and crept into bed with me. "L-logie?" He yawned, wrapping an arm around me.

"Another nightmare" I lied, but I didn't want to be shunned back to my lonely bed.

He nodded and kissed my forehead, causing a blush from me. "I'm here to protect you." He said , pulling my close.

I layed my head on his chest and smiled. Carlos always made me feel like I was something important. I heard Carlos's soft snores, which made me smile. I closed my eyes, drifting off to sleep from Carlos's snoring. I woke up to being pushed off the bed. I teared up, looking up at Carlos who knocked me off.

"Sorry." He said, pulling me into a hug. I blushed a little snuggling my head to his bare chest. I heard someone clear their throat. I turned to see Kendall.

"James wants us by the pool." He said before turning to leave.

I nodded as I got dressed into my shorts and tank top. I turned to see Carlos just in swimming trunks. I blushed again. He smiled at me, as I left to go catch up with Kendall. I finally caught up with Kendall as I entered the pool area.

"Kendall? What's he want?" I asked him.

Kendall opened his mouth to speak but instead James came up.

"Hey guys!" He almost yelled at us, seeming a little too excited than usual.

"Hey." I said always made me smile unless he was sad.

"Why are you so happy?" Kendall asked grinning.

Instead of saying anything he grabbed our hands pulling us away. I smiled waiting to see what he wanted to show us.

"Guys.. Im dating someone." James mumbled. I froze when I heard James say dating, my heart broke... I chocked back a sob putting on my usual fake smile. Kendall looked at me seeing right through my fake smile. "

I'm sorry" He whispered to only where I could hear.

I jerked my hand away from James's. "W-who is it...?" I asked trying my best not to sound broken. "

Jo!" He yelled excidly as she walked up. I clenched my fist trying not to cry.

"Hey babe." He said to her, making a tear fall from my eyes.

"Hey boo." She said back causing my fist to clench tighter, my knuckles starting to turn white.

"I just remembered... I promised Carlos something..." I turned around ignoring their protests, slowly walking away.

I turned to look at them one last time before I went into the lobby. James was all over her trying to eat her face off... I started crying making my way to the elevator pushing past anyone who tried to stop me. I pressed the button to the second floor my vision blurry from th tears that clouded it. "Told you so..." I voice in my head repeated over and over again until I got to 2J. I walked into my room crying.

Two things on my mind...

The blade...

And The End...

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><p><strong><em>So what did ya guys think? :x Please review :3 Oh and send ur luv and cookies to me :D<em>**


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